Merry Smegging Christmas!
by RavenclawCookie
Summary: Lister is feeling blue, missing Kochanski even more now the holidays have arrived. It will take one very unusually selfless act from bunk mate Arnold Rimmer to make him truly happy. Will he give himself up so that Lister can spend Christmas with the girl he loves?


_**Hey guys!**_

_**Okay, so to get myself and all of you guys in the Christmas mood, I've decided to write a very short (but hopefully very sweet) one-shot about the Dwarfers (particularly Rimmer and Lister) during the holidays. **_

_**I really hope you enjoy reading and if you do (or don't - constructive criticism is always good!) please remember to leave a review. I always love hearing what you think of my stories. **_

_**As always, I do not own any of the characters in Red Dwarf, they belong to Doug Naylor and Rob Grant. All I own is the storyline.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

_**RavenclawCookie**_

* * *

Arnold Rimmer was sound asleep, his Chestnut curls pressed against the scratchy fabric of the pillow slumped at the head of his bunk. His leg was propped up against the bland grey canvas of the wall, which was scattered with various stickers and certificates declaring Rimmer's mildly mediocre achievements. He was in a deep dreamless slumber of sheer exhaustion. He was not aware of the new day's significance, nor did he particularly care. It was Christmas Day. However, each year aboard the 'Crimson Short One', Christmas grew even more morose for the ship's resident hologram.

"RIMMER! WAKE UP!"

A familiar voice sounded like an alarm in his ear and he blanched violently, his eyes jerking open in sour surprise.

"Yes mummy, I'm just packing my satchel!" He cried, dazed and disorientated.

The lights of the ship glared down upon him and he blinked rapidly, the dull grey shapes of his and his bunk mate Lister's quarters reforming around him. He shot out of bed and would have smacked his head against the bunk above him if it weren't for him being made entirely out of light. At times, being a hologram did come in handy, he had to admit.

His hazelnut eyes darted round the room and fell upon Lister, propped up against the door frame and shaking with uncontrollable laughter. Rimmer's eyes narrowed into feline slits and he crossed his arms defensively, glaring at Lister. "What on earth do you think you're doing Lister?" He snapped, rising from his bunk, his thin lips pursed with anger.

"What?" Lister replied, holding his hands out innocently, the ghost of his laughter still apparent on his face.

Rimmer's eyes drifted to the curry stains that littered the front of Lister's vest and he clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "You know what. It's wrong to wake me like that." He huffed, his nostrils flaring with fury.

"It was just a joke, Rimmer. Besides, we should be havin' fun today!" Lister argued, throwing his arms out carelessly. He often wished Rimmer would cease to be so uptight and take up a more relaxed aura once in a while; especially today.

"Why, what's today?" Rimmer asked, his brow furrowed. The many months aboard this desolate vessel had left Rimmer confused as to what the date was. He was utterly perplexed.

"Yeh what? Are yeh telling' me you don't know what today is?" Lister asked incredulously, his mahogany eyes widening with disbelief.

"Look, Lister I really couldn't care less what day it is. Every day aboard this hell-hole is exactly the same. Nothing changes!" Rimmer let a long, drawn-out sigh escape his lips.

"But…it's Christmas!" Lister exclaimed, imploring for Rimmer to get some of the holiday spirit he possessed.

"Do I look as if I give a smeg, Lister?" Rimmer replied sharply, folding his arms across his chest. He turned away from his repulsive room mate and cast a fleeting glance towards his disheveled reflection in the mirror before uttering the words, "Holly, dress." In a flash, his dull khaki uniform appeared on his lithe body and he smirked to himself as he observed his impeccable appearance, having returned his gaze to the mirror before him. Lister had opened his mouth to object, but before the words could properly form on his lips, Holly - the ship's senile computer - had appeared on the monitor, in the space the mirror bearing Rimmer's appearance had previously occupied. A crimson and white-fringed Christmas hat sat perched upon the dome-like crown of his head and the subtle trace of a smile was apparent in his gormless features.

"Alright dudes?" He said. "Merry Christmas and all that."

"Hey Holly," Lister replied, the jovial tone in his voice ebbing away with every word. His Christmas spirit had certainly been downtrodden by Rimmer's lack of it. "Can yeh believe this smeghead," he jerked a thumb at Rimmer. "doesn't care it's Christmas?"

Holly's mildly bored expression did not appear phased by this news. "I'm not entirely surprised I have to say, Dave." He droned.

"Yeh what?" Lister said, cocking his head to one side curiously.

"Well, I don't really blame 'im. I mean, after all, he's a hologram that can't touch anything'; we're millions of light years into space, which means we ain't gonna be getting' presents any time soon and the only people you've got to share it with is the Cat, me and each other. Not what I would call inviting." Holly raised his eyebrows in a pitiful expression.

Rimmer's lips curled into a snide smile. "Exactly my point, Listy. What's the point in celebrating Christmas when there's nothing to smegging celebrate?"

Lister's eyes lowered to the floor, his onyx dreadlocks falling across his broad shoulders as his head drooped listlessly. His Christmas spirit had now been officially drained from him. "Oh…" He murmured sadly.

"I would've thought you wouldn't have been so happy today, Dave," Holly began, the pixels of his eyebrows curving towards the bridge of his nose in confusion.

"Me? Why?" Lister raised his head to look at Holly with tremendous effort, the sparkle in his eyes that had glimmered there when he first woke Rimmer had now vanished.

"Well, Kochanski's dead. And she's the only person you wanted to spend Christmas with, ain't that right?" Holly explained, the empathy in his voice vacant.

Lister looked as if he had just been kicked in the gut. His eyes were glazed and empty; Holly's words had hit him hard. When he awoke this morning to the fake illusion of Christmas bells, decorated trees smelling faintly of pine with presents littered beneath the trunk and golden turkey roasting in the oven like back home in Liverpool, he had been bursting with Christmas spirit. Now, the memory of Kochanski and her absence at this time had caught up with him and came crashing down upon him like a tonne of bricks. He longed to spend a day (a single day would be all he needed for happiness) alone with Kristine, but thanks to Rimmer's stubbornness, he knew it would never happen.

"'S'cuse me will yeh?" Lister muttered, before turning on his heel and striding from the room, his shoulders hunched over. Rimmer thought they were quivering slightly as he watched him go and he looked down at his feet, unsure of whether to go after his best friend or simply leave him be.

* * *

Rimmer marched into the drive room, a sudden brainwave overcoming him as he strode along the ship's corridors. "Holly," He called to no one in particular.

Holly appeared on the monitor, still bearing the crimson bobble-hat. "What's up, Arn?" He asked.

"I need you to turn me off. Only for 24 hours, and replace me with Kochanski. _One day only_." He said sternly.

"Didn't think you had it in you, Arn." Holly said.

"Well, think again." Rimmer snapped impatiently. He had seen how much the mere mention of Kochanski's name had caused Lister utter agony. What did he have to stay here for, anyhow? There were no presents to be opened, no one except a group of complete smegheads to share the day with and truly nothing to celebrate. It wasn't really Christmas aboard Red Dwarf; not for Rimmer anyway. He knew it would mean so much more to Lister than it would to him, to have a truly happy Christmas. There wasn't even any point in being there. Rimmer had never been a huge fan of the holidays, even as a child. His father had made it hell for him and his brothers. Spending 24 hours as nothing than spending it wallowing in self-pity would be much more preferable.

"Ready Arn?" Holly's voice sliced through Rimmer's thoughts like a blade. The hologram inhaled a deep breath, readying himself to be plunged into the world of non-existence.

"Ready. Switch me off, Holly."

Arnold Rimmer - the ship's resident hologram - stood for a moment, drawing in the dull surroundings of the drive room. His eyes swept the navigation desks, the flickering lights of the buttons (most of which he had no idea of the purpose they served) catching his eye. For 24 hours, he would not truly exist. He was mere memories and the fake impression of one previous being trapped upon a mind disk. His final words sounded around the room:

"Merry Christmas, Smeghead."

Then, he was gone.

* * *

Lister was curled upon his bunk, unaware and unaffected by Rimmer's absence. He was more interested in the memories of Kochanski and the warm feeling that emanated from his chest at the thought of her bubbly and outgoing attitude, her cheeky smile and the beautiful chocolate locks that cascading down her shoulders. He sighed inwardly, the absence of her presence still haunting him. He wanted her to be there, with him at a time like this. Suddenly, he was distracted by the presence of another being lurking in the corner of his eye, their unfamiliar shadow cast across the dull grey canvas of the floor.

"Smeg off, Rimmer. I'm not interested." Lister muttered, not even bothering to look the figure in the eye.

"Rimmer? You don't think look like that smeghead do I?"

It was a woman's voice. The distinct Scottish twang of her accent made Lister's eyes widen in delighted shock and he almost tumbled off his bunk as he scrambled to rush over to her. He could barely believe his eyes; there she was, standing before him.

Kochanski.

"Krissy! What are yeh…" He trailed off as she greeted him with a mischievous grin - one that made him realise that sacrifice his bunk mate had given up so that he could be truly happy. He smiled softly to himself as the sudden realisation flooded into his mind. "Thanks Rimmer." He whispered, before he felt his eyes drifting back to Kochanski's of their own accord.

"Merry Christmas, Dave."

* * *

_**I hope you enjoyed reading and that it got you in the holiday spirit!**_

_**Merry Christmas, Smegheads!**_

_**Love,**_

_**RavenclawCookie**_


End file.
